Over the past year I have noticed that I have put on a little bit of weight. Whether this is because of the stress in completing my final year of university, anxiety caused by the pandemic or simply the fact that I am growing up and my body is maturing with me. It took me a while to realise at first until one day I was stepping into my favourite jeans and the soft familiar fabric that once moulded to my curvy shape could no longer fit past my thighs. Standing in front of the mirror a look of horror came across my face and my first thoughts were ‘how could I let myself get to this point?’, ‘how could I not have noticed that I had been putting on weight?’
This realisation led to many months of beating myself up and forcing myself into the gym and eating better. However, because I was in my final term at university, writing my dissertation, I found it hard to consistently stay on track as trying to get into shape wasn’t a top priority for me but was also something I couldn’t let go of. After graduating from university a few months ago I thought that I would easily be able to commit to losing weight, to fitting back into my beloved jeans; however, I am yet to achieve this goal.
For a while I have held this image in my mind of how I used to look and began to yearn for this. It has taken me time to realise that comparing myself to how I looked two or three years ago has been detrimental to my mental health, as it isn’t physically possible to look the same way even if I worked out daily and went on a restricting diet. Learning to let this image go took me a long time, as I didn’t understand why I couldn’t revert back to my former body. I didn’t recognize that ageing and passing these milestones in life can have an effect on your appearance and this isn’t necessarily bad, as it’s natural as time goes on to change shape, otherwise we would all look like five-year-olds.
Learning to let this mental image go is evident by my need to desperately cling onto this of pair of jeans, which deep down I know will never fit again. One Youtuber I follow named Ava Jules, recently talked about how “We as humans buy clothes to fit us, we are not supposed to fit into the clothes”. This statement has caused me to realise that from holding onto this useless pair of jeans I can no longer style, it has cut my wardrobe options in half, which far outweighs not buying another pair because I am hoping to one day squeeze back into them. So, this is your sign to let go of that item in your wardrobe that is now too small and treat yourself to a new pair because what truly matters is that you wear what you love no matter what size.
The sizing of clothes is another thing that has thrown me off about putting on weight, as having to accept that I am now another size up has sent me into a spiral. Therefore, out of denial I have refused to buy another pair, not wanting to feel embarrassed about no longer fitting into what was my size. It may seem strange to some that a simple number has had the ability to control my mental health, especially as what does a number even mean. Learning that this generic form of measurement should hold no power over my happiness has been a hard lesson. This is particularly difficult when you are walking around looking for new clothes and you see that the mannequins aren’t representative of any size above a six or eight or the fact that when you do finally find an item you love you are left with the embarrassing ordeal of digging to the bottom of the stock pile to find your size. It is therefore hardly surprising that this can put people off purchasing new clothes as they grow up. Even if you may feel embarrassed about the small number that hides deep at the back of your trousers, no one else will ever know what it says, so you can’t let it belittle you. We must take back the power from these silly little numbers that lurk behind us, trying to remind us that we aren’t good enough or worthy, as at the end of the day there are far more important things in life, so tell them to shut up or even cut them out if they begin to talk back.
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